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Friday, October 31, 2014

 I am writing this post, and the next few posts, a little differently. When I found out I was pregnant I decided to write letters to my unborn baby. It was the only way I could let out all the emotions bottled up inside me since I wasn’t telling anyone about the pregnancy. These letters were written when I was 14, almost 15 years old so bear with me. I have not edited them because these were my true, raw emotions at that point in my life. I hope these letters help you gain a little insight into my world when I found out I was pregnant at 14. This first letter was written the day I found out that I was pregnant.

(Just so you know, I made it a point to write these letters with a loving tone because my plan was always to show these to my child when they were old enough to understand. For this reason you will never see me use the word “mistake” because even though getting pregnant was a mistake, I would never want my child to think that they were a mistake. That is not fair to the child, and not good for the child’s self esteem.)

January 23, 2010

Dear Baby,

Today I found out that I was pregnant with you. When I looked down at the pregnancy test and read: POSITIVE, I nearly fainted. (My thoughts at this point are: This should have never happened... it was just one time, I even took the morning after pill, this must be a mistake...) The first thing I did was call your daddy. He was so scared he hardly said anything. He just asked me if I was sure and if he should come over to the house. I responded with a weak: "yes." He was at our house in 20 minutes... but we decided not to talk about it today because we had to hit the road.

I had a drill competition today at Bear River high school. It was our region competition, which means that we competed with all the other drill teams in our region. Mama, Papa, Sebastian, and Daddy were all there to watch me! We placed second over all (Bear River got first, go figure.)

Drill is my life, I love it so much, my teammates are like my sisters, I don't know what I would do without them! High school would be so different. Did I mention I am only a freshman in high school this year? That's right. We are barely into second semester of high school and I am pregnant...

Trust me, this is not what I planned for my life at all. I have always planned to get straight A's and get into Harvard one day. I would love to live in New York someday too! I have never been there, but I hear it's beautiful.

Mama and papa have always pushed me so hard in school, and they are always so proud of me when I get a 4.0 and make it on honor roll. I was even on the National Junior Honor Society (NJHS) in middle school. Every Summer I get invited to go on these trips for smart kids, I never go though, I could never be away from mama and papa for too long! Last year I even got an award from Who's Who Among Students in America: (Each year, a select group of students is called forward to accept one of the most prestigious awards the academic community can bestow — selection to Who’s Who Among Students. This exclusive honor is conferred by more than 2,842 schools in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and is symbolized by the presentation of an award certificate.) :)

Because of all these things, I am so scared to tell mama and papa that I am pregnant...I have never disappointed them and I don't want them to see me as a failure and blame themselves... This is why daddy and I decided to keep you a secret for a little while.

Drill Competition - 01/23/2010
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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Don't mind the watermark, I couldn't find the original
Cassidy and I remained friends all throughout elementary and middle school. It wasn’t until high school that we began drifting apart. We attended Juan Diego Catholic High School. In high school I was on the drill team, and Cassidy wasn’t. This was the main reason we drifted apart. High school was such a big change from middle school. We didn’t have very many classes together, and I spent most of my time with my teammates. We had drill practice every morning from 6-7:30 am. We had to be at the school around 5:45 am. Then we had about 15-20 minutes after practice to get ready for school, which began promptly at 8 am. In the summertime we had practice almost every morning from 6-9 am. It was exhausting, but I loved it. I loved the girls on my team, and I loved my coaches. I felt like they were my family. (Spoiler Alert: I would later learn that they were not.) Being on the drill team meant that I became friends with a lot of older girls. I have always been mature for my age and have gotten along better with people that are older, so I was friends with mostly juniors and seniors even though I was only a freshman. And that’s how I met Jairo (pronounced Hi-row).

Homecoming dress
 I drifted away from all of my middle school friends during my freshman year, which was really hard. I wasn’t even asked to homecoming that year. I was friends with some juniors and seniors though so I went to homecoming with a friend of mine, Leo (junior). Homecoming was September 26, 2009. That was the night I met Jairo. When we went to dinner before homecoming I went with one of my drill teammates, Carina (senior). Also there was Jairo (even though he didn’t go to the dance) and Jairo’s cousin with her date. I was instantly attracted to Jairo and he flirted with me throughout dinner. But Jairo didn’t go to the dance (or the school at the time). So I only hung out with my friend Carina. It honestly wasn’t even like Leo was my homecoming date. He didn’t formally ask me, he didn’t buy me a corsage, he didn’t pay for my dinner, and we didn’t get pictures taken at the dance. But I didn’t mind, I had a ton of fun hanging out with other friends. It was an awesome night but I couldn’t stop thinking about Jairo. The trouble was, I had no way of getting his number. No one from my homecoming group would give it to me because they felt bad for Leo since he and Jairo were friends. Even though I never had any type of feelings for Leo. He was only ever a friend and I made that very clear.

Anyways I ended up asking my friend McKaylee’s (junior) boyfriend Nicky (senior) to help me get Jairo’s number. So I was technically the one who pursued Jairo. Well as soon as we started talking, we never stopped. We texted all the time and talked on the phone until two in the morning, even when I had to be up at 5 am for drill practice. Jairo was a junior and I was a freshman. He was 16 the first time we met and he turned 17 the next month. I was 14 when we met. In October of 2009 Jairo started going to Juan Diego. We started hanging out more and we were practically inseparable. I remember looking forward to seeing him in the hallways between classes. Sometimes we would talk in the hallways after school for close to an hour while my mom waited to pick me up. We both had little brothers in third grade at the time so we would walk over to the elementary school together to pick them up. I still remember our first kiss was by the elementary school doors after we picked up our brothers and were saying goodbye. It was so unexpected, Jairo just leaned over and kissed me and then he smiled at me and walked away. I felt like I was walking on a cloud after that. I had the biggest crush on him and knowing he felt the same way about me made me feel so good. After that kiss we didn’t kiss again for awhile, we just kept talking and hanging out for about a month.

Then on December 4, 2009 Jairo asked me to be his girlfriend. We had gone on a date to see a movie and when the movie was over he turned to me and said: “will you be my girlfriend?” It was so unexpected but of course I said yes. I was head over heels for this boy. Jairo was definitely the bad boy type. That’s why I was attracted to him. He was older, he could drive, he was cool. I felt cool being around him. Well being teenagers and thinking we were invincible we didn’t make the best choices after that. About a month after we officially started dating I ended up losing my virginity to Jairo. (Looking back I regret this decision a lot, I wish we would have waited.) It was the third time that we had sex that I ended up getting pregnant. I got pregnant on January 3, 2010. We were using a cheap condom and it ended up breaking. I was so worried I would get pregnant. I told my mom the same day and she was devastated. She was so disappointed in me. But she went and bought me the morning after pill. I took the pill within 12 hours of having sex. Then the next day my mom took me to Planned Parenthood where I took a pregnancy test (that was negative) and began birth control pills. I also got a blood pregnancy test done on January 13, 2010 and that came back negative. So we thought we were in the clear.

After that one time Jairo and I were very careful. I never missed a birth control pill and we still used condoms. In fact we hardly had sex at all after the scare. I had heard so many girls say that they had unprotected sex for months, even years with their boyfriends and they never got pregnant. Some of these same girls swore by the morning after pill. They had taken it once or twice when they had a scare and they never got pregnant. So I hoped that since it was just one time and I took the morning after pill, I wouldn’t get pregnant. But I did. It literally took one time having unprotected sex and I got pregnant. I was shocked that the morning after pill didn’t work. But let me tell you why it didn’t. (This is what my doctor told me.) The pill works by not allowing your ovaries to release an egg. This way even if there are sperm in your uterus, an egg will not be released therefore it cannot be fertilized. Well the pill can’t do anything if the egg has already dropped. It just so happened that my egg had already dropped by the time I took the pill. So it was already too late.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

People say that high school is the best time of your life. I would have to disagree. I loved middle school. For me middle school was more enjoyable than high school. Sixth, seventh, and eighth grade were my all time favorite grades. Life was so simple and fun. I had great friends. I’ll admit I was a little full of myself. Looking back I am not proud of the way I behaved at this time in my life. I was cocky and I’ll admit mean at times. But I have since changed my ways. In 6th grade I was on the middle school dance team. That is when I started becoming friends with the older girls (the 7th and 8th graders). I always got along really well with the older kids.

Dancing was something I always loved. I started dancing at a studio when I was three and danced there until I was 14. I loved dancing and I loved my studio. Cassidy danced there with me. We usually had dance three days a week for about 4-5 hours a day. Sometimes it was a lot but it was worth it. Competing was so much fun, I still miss it. When I was 12 I was dancing and I popped my knee out of place. I still remember the experience in slow motion. It felt like I had no control over my leg, and then it was numb, and then it was painful. It was so painful. My knee was so swollen that I could hardly walk. I ended up developing tendonitis in my knee which meant that I was basically always in pain after that. My knee still hurts when it's cold outside or if I have been working out. But I live with it. 

Cassidy and I remained friends throughout middle school. Some of my other close friends included: Lynsey, Mckenna, Lexi, Brooke, Kaitlyn, Cailey, Nadia, and Christian. Luckily I am a still friend with most of these girls. I was also friends with a lot of boys but didn’t have many boyfriends (looking back middle school is much too young to have a relationship anyways). We had a great group of friends and we always had fun together.


(Fun fact: my parents love to travel. So Sebastian and I were lucky enough to travel a lot during this time in our lives (and even still). We had been to the usual theme parks like Disneyland, Sea World, Universal Studios, and LEGOLAND. But we also traveled to Washington D.C., Huatulco (Mexico), Cancun (Mexico), Tapachula (Mexico), and Aruba. Since then we have been to Puerto Rico, and Mexico City as well.)

Middle school was the best time of my life. I loved middle school. I had the closest group of friends. We may have been a bit of a clique but who wasn't in middle school, right? We were popular and we enjoyed it. I still got straight A's throughout middle school. I was part of the National Junior Honors Society. Life was good. And then came high school... and high school changed everything.

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Monday, October 27, 2014

My childhood was enjoyable but rather uneventful. This is a good thing because I didn’t go through anything traumatic to report, so I am lucky in that sense. My parents did a lot of fun things with Sebastian and I. We never wanted for anything and we were always doing something fun. I met Cassidy in first grade. We were instantly best friends. We were inseparable. We did everything together. We went to the zoo, the circus, the Fun Dome, Chuck E. Cheese’s, Park City, and school together. We practically lived at each other’s houses. Honestly we were more like sisters than friends. Cass and I both attended St. John the Baptist Elementary and Middle school. 

I have always LOVED reading. I read my first chapter book when I was 5 years old. I was always ahead of my class curriculum. My parents talked to the school about me skipping a grade but my school didn't allow it. I have always enjoyed school. I loved spelling, reading, math, writing, social studies, and science, basically every subject. There were times when I would correct my teacher on her grammar or her spelling of something she wrote on the board (yes I was THAT kid). I was kind of a teacher's pet and always got straight A's. 

Some of my hobbies during this time included dance and horseback riding. I have always loved horses and I thoroughly enjoyed taking horseback riding lessons. When I had been riding for about a year I had an experience riding the biggest horse at the stable, I was under the supervision of my teacher and I was told to get the horse to canter. We were going around in circles and I fell off and landed on my hip. I still remember how badly it hurt. I was bruised and swollen pretty badly. But after a little ice and rest, I got back on. The next time I got on a horse was the scariest ride for me. But I am so glad I did it because it really did show me that I should never give up (the cliche is true, if you fall off the horse you should always get back on again). I continued to ride for another year until the stables had to sell their land and move somewhere far away. Then it wasn't as convenient and I didn't ride anymore. I still regret stopping lessons; I always enjoyed riding.

I don’t have much to write about for this time period so I figured you would enjoy seeing some pictures of me when I went through my awkward chubby phase of childhood. (We all go through that phase... right?) 

Side note: Cassidy and I are in most of the pictures and so is Courtney (Cassidy's little sister) 

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