June 12, 2010

Dear Baby,

I just did something kinda crazy. I was looking online for teen pregnancy support groups in Utah. I couldn't find anything... big surprise. All I could find is support groups for girls that have given their babies up for adoption. So I started looking at adoption. I seriously contemplate adoption sometimes. But honestly I don't think I could do it. I'm not strong enough to grow you for 9 months and then let you go. It takes a strong woman to be able to do that. I have tons of respect for women who give up their babies for adoption.
Even though I am so young and this situation is not one that I ever planned, I am going to keep you. I am blessed because I know mama and papa will help us. They have already told me that we can live with them as long as I'm going to school. And I am definitely going back to school after you are born. I am taking math online right now so that when I go back to school I can be in a higher math class. I will graduate from high school and go to college. This is something that makes me unique. Most teenage pregnancies that I know either drop out of high school to get their GED, or finish high school and don't go to college. I know I am going to do both.

Another thing that is unique about my situation right now is that I'm keeping my pregnancy a secret. Right now only one of my friends knows I am pregnant. That's McKaylee. She is my closest friend right now. We met on the drill team. She's going to be a senior this coming year and I'll be a sophomore. I told her I was pregnant because I'm close with her family and they understand. McKaylee's mom had her when she was 16. But I haven't been talking to Mick since school ended and the drill team started practicing again. And she hasn't told anyone that I'm pregnant.

So as of right now nobody else knows. None of my other friends that I grew up with know. Not even Cassidy. There were a couple of times in school that I was going to tell her. But then it just didn't feel right. So I haven't told her. Which basically leaves me alone. This summer I'm not going to hang out with anyone. I don't want the stares and judgement. So I'm just going to spend time with daddy and mama, papa, and Sebastian. Maybe I'll start telling people when my stomach gets bigger because right now there's no reason for them to know since I'm not showing.

Back to what I did tonight that was kinda crazy. When I was looking into adoption online there was this ad on the side of one of the pages. It was for some show called "16 and Pregnant". It said something like "are you between the ages of 14 and 18 and pregnant? Are you thinking of adoption?" So I clicked on the ad and it had instructions to write an email with my name, age, and brief description of myself including a picture and why I would like to be featured on the show. I thought about it for a minute and thought maybe I should just write an email. But then I didn't know if this was legit. It was an ad on some website. So I went and talked to mama and papa about it. I guess 16 and Pregnant is a show on MTV. I've heard of it but I've never actually watched it before. I don't watch any shows that are on MTV. Mama said she had heard of it too but never watched it. Papa said he had never even heard of it. At first they said I shouldn't email MTV. They didn't even know what the show was like. Plus they told me that MTV is big and probably gets lots of emails about shows so they wouldn't even respond if I did email them. But then we talked about it a little more and figured I didn't have anything to lose from just writing an email. So I did it. I wrote:

Hello,
My name is Izabella Tovar, I am 15 years old and 24 weeks pregnant. I live in Draper, Utah and I would like to be considered for your show. One reason I would like to be on the show is because I am 6 months pregnant and I haven't told my friends or family. I also want to be on the show so that people can see that even though I made a mistake, I can still have a happy ending. I plan on finishing high school, attending college, and being very succesful while also getting married and having a beautiful baby boy. I want people to see that I can do it all and still be happy.
And I included this picture: 

So we will see what happens. I don't expect to get a reply back for awhile if I get a response at all. But that's okay. I honestly don't know if being on some show on MTV would be a good idea. Plus why would they answer my email? I am pretty boring and I'm sure they get tons of emails. But at least it gave me something else to think about for the day. Sometimes I get so bored here at home not talking to any of my friends.

Well goodnight. I love you.
Love,
Mommy