June 8, 2010

Dear Baby,

I have never been so hurt before. I almost didn't want to write this but I think I should. It helps me get my feelings out. I found out that my drill coach broke our agreement. She told me and mama that she wouldn't tell my teammates that I was pregnant. I have already started writing each of my teammates letters to explain the situation to them. But it turns out that the coach basically told my team I was pregnant. I'm not sure exactly what she said but a couple of girls told me that she told them that I wasn't on the team anymore and the rumors they may be hearing about me are true. The people I heard this from weren't even talking to me. I had to reach out to them to talk to them and even still they only gave me a short answer. They didn't tell me the whole story of what happened at the first practice. All I know is that it was a few days before school ended and my coach said something that made the girls not want to talk to me.

 I didn't even know rumors were going around. Only two people have asked me if I'm pregnant and I denied it to both of them. The last few days of school my teammates were acting really weird if they saw me in the halls or just straight up staring at my stomach. Well even though I was about 5 months pregnant at the end of the school year I wasn't showing at all. I was still wearing my same school uniform (khaki Bermuda shorts & a white short sleeved button down shirt). So still nobody knows I am pregnant for sure. But it still makes me mad and hurts my feelings that my coach would go against our agreement. I really truly believed in her. I looked up to her so much and I trusted her with my biggest secret. For her to go behind my back and betray my trust really hurts. All I asked of her was to wait to tell the team that I was "quitting" (being kicked off) until after school ended so I didn't have to deal with it the last few days of school and I could write them all letters explaining the situation and letting them know how I feel about them and how much they mean to me.

Once I found out what my drill coach had told my team and none of them really came to talk to me about it or ask why I left the team, I decided why should I tell any of them I am pregnant? Obviously none of them feel the same way about me as I do about them. None of them care enough to ask me why I was quitting even though I tried out and made the team again. I was so hurt. Once I had made the drill team freshman year I didn't really have time for my other friends. So my drill teammates were my best friends. They were my sisters. Yet where were they really? Why didn't they care that I had just randomly quit the team? I'm not sure exactly what my coach said to them but it couldn't have been good otherwise my teammates wouldn't have avoided me.

Sorry to write about such sad news. But clearly our plans for you being the SilverLine's youngest fan are out of the question. But don't worry I'm strong and I'll get through this. I don't need my teammates. Clearly they weren't my true friends anyways. All I need is you, daddy, and my family. I love you baby.

Love,
Mommy